What do I want?

Understanding pro-relational boundaries has been a huge part of my journey as a coach. I used to think that setting boundaries was mainly about saying “no” to people (and also being a selfish jerk). 

My religious upbringing, as well as living as a woman in our patriarchal, hierarchical society, eroded my sense of boundaries by emphasizing self-sacrifice, obedience, compliance, and unconditional forgiveness, often at the expense of my well-being. 

I often felt guilty or unworthy of prioritizing my own needs. My unacknowledged thought pattern was, “Don’t bother asking, because you won’t get what you want anyway.”

I held firmly to the unspoken belief that the needs and desires of others were more important than mine, and that a healthy person takes care of others first. 

Oops!

That “others first” belief was inadequately countered by the saying “put your own oxygen mask on first”. The trouble is that oxygen masks are only used in dire emergencies - to the extent that I have literally NEVER had to put on an oxygen mask in my life. 

Healthy living, on the contrary, requires me to KNOW what my preferences, desires, loves, dislikes, red flags, and non-negotiables are in the first place. And then to be able to EXPRESS them clearly and without emotional drama to those around me. 

Expressing desires, fears, and wants is meant to be a daily, and even moment-by-moment practice. 

Healthy boundaries look like being alive and attentive, and taking good care of my body, mind, and spirit.

They sound like this: 

• I’m starting to get thirsty - I’m going to pause for a glass of water. 
• I just zoned out - I’m going to take a quick stretch break. 
• I’m not sure I’ll want to go out on Saturday night. I’ll pencil it in and let you know by Saturday morning how I’m feeling. Does that work for you?
• I’d LOVE to take care of your cute puppy next week! Thank you for thinking of me! 
• I don’t do well with puppies. I’m not willing to watch your dog.
• I’m not drinking alcohol - it messes with my sleep. Can I have a juice?
• I’m getting that report printed on Friday. If I don’t hear your comments by Thursday, it will be printed without them.
• The car’s almost on empty. If you want to borrow it, it’ll need gas.

Hmmmm, that doesn’t sound all that hard, with some practice. It doesn’t sound mean. It just sounds clear, honest, and maybe a little vulnerable. And it sure beats making up stories about how rude other people are when they can’t read my mind.

The teachings I grew up with, though, prioritized the needs and wishes of others, and discouraged me from saying what I wanted. That leads to awful relationships, filled with resentment, mistrust, and walking on eggshells while trying to manage other people’s feelings and behaviors. 

This boundary-crossing way of living is reinforced in hierarchical structures that operate with rewards and punishments, that discourage questioning authority or dissent. 

My coach training was scary! It turned so many of these ideas on their heads. And it has played a significant role in helping me establish healthy boundaries.

Here are 10 ways how it’s helped:

1. Self-awareness:

• Coach training encourages self-reflection, tuning in to the body and the emotions, and allowing me to recognize my needs, values, and limits.   

2. Emotional Regulation: 

• Learning to recognize and honor my emotions, and appreciate their wisdom. Checking in with my body was in direct contrast with everything I had learned previously, in which emotions were treated with distrust. A healthy check-in with a client might sound like, “I’m feeling a bit anxious right now. Is this coming from me, or are you also feeling anxious?”
  

3. Communication Skills:

• Coaches are trained to communicate clearly and assertively. We say things like, “I’m noticing a discrepancy here. What are your thoughts about that?”

4. Active Listening: 

• By honing active listening skills, coaches can better understand others’ perspectives and communicate our desires, needs, and limits with consideration for the other. This might look like, “You’ve arrived 10 minutes late to our last two sessions. I’m not available beyond our 60-minute time frame. How would you like to proceed?”
  

5. Professional Ethics and Standards:

• Coach training programs include regular discussions around professional ethics, which include setting and respecting agreements, contracts, and boundaries with clients. We are expected to model excellent boundaries throughout our coaching engagements. This might sound like, “I’m available for two 15-minute emergency sessions per contract. I’ll respond to your WhatsApp messages during work hours Tuesday to Friday.”

6. Managing Grievances: 

• Coaches check in regularly with our clients on how we’re both feeling about how things are going. If I’m not happy about something, I’ll mention it early and invite conversation. I regularly invite clients to do the same. I’m on the look-out for coach-pleasing behaviors and do my best to encourage open, honest expression. My clients don’t have to agree with me, and they can ask for changes. 

7. Encouraging Autonomy: 

• The foundation of coaching is to increase client choice. We help clients recognize their right to set boundaries and empower them to do so. We look for red-flag words like “should” and “must” that indicate an external force is acting on the client. We encourage language like, “I want, I choose, I’m willing to, I’m not willing to, I love, I dislike…” We explore the client’s values and what defines their personal integrity.

8. Supportive Environment: 

• Creating a brave, non-judgmental space allows clients to practice recognizing their boundaries and receiving feedback with unconditional positive regard.

9. Personal Development:

• Coach training promotes ongoing personal development and reflection. As coaches grow and evolve, we continuously reassess and refine our boundaries.

10. Preventing Burnout: 

• As coaches, we ARE the “product”. Our depth of presence and love, our ability to listen and care, are what we’re offering clients. It’s imperative to show up healthy, having slept, eaten, moved, and taken excellent care of ourselves. Excellent self-care is the foundation of healthy boundaries.