When coaches hurt clients

I had a coaching conversation recently that I left feeling "ick" about. Something in me knew I hadn't served my client well. This was an amazing person with so many clear strengths, and they were in pain because of really difficult situation.

I focused on the person's qualities and the choices before them, and after I hung up the call, I thought, "Shoot. I totally missed it. This person needed me to just stay with them in the pain a little longer. They don't need fixing or changing or even empowering - what they're going through is just hard!"

Coaching conversations are powerful tools for personal and professional growth, and sometimes they can also inadvertently cause harm if not handled with care. We want to do our clients a lot of good, and see them moving forward with new insights and actions. Sometimes in our zeal, we can subtly and unintentionally harm them by getting ahead of them.

Subtle Blaming

As a coach, I envision my clients strong, at choice, and able to make changes in their lives. I help them discover their own agency and responsibility. I could go so far as to say that the foundation of coaching is to increase choice. 

However, when this pursuit of self-responsibility is taken too far, it can lead to subtle blaming. For example, consider a client who was verbally abused by their boss. A coach might ask, with all the best empowering intentions, "What can you do to better handle your boss's anger?" But, this question could leave the client feeling helpless and at fault, rather than FIRST being seen and heard in a difficult situation. A better question, that stays with the client in the moment might be, "With all that you've just experienced with your boss, what's arising inside of you?" 

Root Cause Overload

Some coaches are attached to the idea of getting to the "root cause", thinking it will lead to deep exploration. In my humble opinion, it just as often leads to problem-based thinking, a focus on the past, and complicating the issue.

For instance, a client might say that they're not happy with a recent presentation. Some coaches, in their eagerness to find the root cause, might ask, "What went wrong? What role did you play? What led to the flop? Why do you think that happened?" 

Oops!! This could lead to digging into all kinds of stories that lead nowhere.

I recommend avoiding root-cause types of questions in favor of simple, imaginative, what-if questions that elicit new ways of thinking or being. For example, "I'm so sorry you're not happy with your presentation. When you imagine yourself doing awesome next time, what's different for you?"

Status Quo Stuckness

Sometimes, coaches get stuck right alongside their clients. A client might tell a story about not feeling good enough around their boss. The coach empathizes deeply and can imagine feeling the same way - maybe even offering a "normalizing" label like "imposter syndrome" instead of just letting the experience be what it was. And then they both get stuck. Labeling can make the situation more sticky, and even lead to the client labeling themself.

Instead, if a coach feels themself going into a stuckness vortex with a client, they can both shake it off (literally standing up and using the body) and then invite an outside perspective. For example, imagining what a movie-goer might want their superhero on screen to do, or inviting the perspective of someone soaring high above the situation in a helicopter. For example, "If you were watching a movie about someone not feeling good enough around their boss, how might you cheer them on?"

Coaching is a nuanced art, and a highly respectful, responsive way of being with people. By avoiding victim-blaming, not overcomplicating issues, and steering clear of limiting labels, we coaches can better support our clients in becoming more authentic and leaning into their innate qualities.