Who is talking to you?

My first mistake was moving to a place that has winter. After several months of cold, dark, gray, drizzly weather, my self-talk turns distinctly negative. 

It tells me things like:

• What was I THINKING, trying to run a business? I have no clue what I'm doing.
• How did I get so fat, old, creaky, and tired?
• Why should I coach people when I'm so morose all the time?

Hmmmmm. Surprisingly enough, that kind of talk doesn't help my mood. At all.

However, very smart people, like Ethan Cross in this study have shown that when you speak to yourself with kindness and warmth in the second person (instead of judging in the first person) it's waaaaay better for your mental health.

For example, if I turned my insecurities about being a business owner or about my health into the way my coach or a good friend would talk to me, I might say, instead: 

• Honey, you're tired. Everyone goes through highs and lows in their business sometimes. You don't know everything, but you're learning. 
  
• Darling, yes you've gotten overweight in your 50s. That's rough, isn't it? And you can get stronger and healthier with incremental changes. 
• Sweetie pie, you do get down and sad sometimes. That's human. And you're also one of the most loving, compassionate people I know. 

Something about taking the position of a friend really helps. If you say “I am burned out,” that has a totally different feel to it than saying, “You are burned out, sweetheart.”

Just that little distance, that little extra perspective, looking at yourself with the eyes of a friendly, neutral party.

Kristen Neff defines three categories of compassionate self-talk: 

1. Self-kindness (not self-judgment)
2. Common humanity (not isolation)
3. Mindfulness (not over-identification)

This third category - mindfulness - is where the idea of taking a little space comes in. 

You may want to change yourself, to be happier, lighter, more successful. But doing it because you want to be kind and caring to yourself works way better than changing because you're judging yourself harshly or think you're not acceptable right now. 

If you're a person (which I really think you are if you've read this far), you'll have frustrations, losses, mistakes, and numerous bumps in the road. And that means that you can join the rest of humanity in compassion and kindness.

I have a whole book full of what I call "compassionate whispers" - things I can say to myself when I'm down.

What about you? How can you take a little space to talk from one "you" to the other "you"? Instead of asking how you feel ABOUT yourself, how do you feel TOWARD yourself? A little bit softer? A little more friendly?